Hope

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Can you honestly blame me since I have nothing else to do? Anyway, my aunt showed me a map of our home place. Mostly, the place where Papa grew up. At the end of the road you end up in a hollow. It doesn't have a name. I've just grown up calling it the "holler". There you will come to the end of the road at the base of a mountain, well, what we call a mountain. It's called White Oak Flat. On top lives a woman I used to go to church with and when I was young Papa took me up there on a hiking trip. I don't remember much, but I do remember a cave with a moonshine still in it. Crawling in I remember seeing his name written on one of the walls. He showed me bluffs, lye lots, and dirt roads that haven't been traveled on in years.

I want to go back. Hopefully, Miss Pat, who lives on the mountain, will let me and Amber and Diane walk those old paths. I want to share with my two best friends what my Papa shared with me. It's a secret place. Almost untouched by man. Life and energy swirl around and swallow the place whole just about. I want us to do a photoshoot and do some meditation. Maybe we'll even camp out. I want to take them to the cave. Amber loves caves. Diane loves history. This is the perfect place for all of us. It's my utopia.

~The blue circle is where Papa grew up. Further up the road was where my grandmother lived.
~The big red circle at the top is the mountain that Miss Pat lives on. On that mountain sits the cave and moonshine still.
~The red circle at the bottom is what we call the Lye Lots. I don't know why just yet but I think that it would be a really cool place to camp.
Between the two red circles (that square looking plot of land) is called Badger's Bend. I don't know why either, but I thought it was interesting.

So that is my plan when the trees come back. I will try to get some more art up on DA between then and now. I'll keep everyone updated on what's going on with Papa until that time comes when he will no longer be with us and goes home to his family.

~Blessed Be )O(

Gone From My Sight

Our houses are protected by the good Lord and a gun
And you might meet 'em both if you show up here not welcome son
Our necks are burnt, our roads are dirt and our trucks ain't clean
The dogs run lose, we smoke, we chew and fry everything
Out here, way out here

We won't take a dime if we ain't earned it
When it comes to weight brother we pull our own
If it's our backwoods way of livin' you're concerned with
You can leave us alone
We're about John Wayne, Johnny Cash and John Deere
Way out here

We got a fightin' side a mile wide but we pray for peace
'Cause it's mostly us that end up servin' overseas
If it was up to me I'd love to see this country run
Like it used to be, oughta be, just like it's done
Out here, way out here

We won't take a dime if we ain't earned it
When it comes to weight brother we pull our own
If it's our backwoods way of livin' you're concerned with
You can leave us alone
We're about John Wayne, Johnny Cash and John Deere
Way out here

We won't take a dime if we ain't earned it
When it comes to weight brother we pull our own
If it's our backwoods way of livin' you're concerned with
You can leave us alone
We're about John Wayne, Johnny Cash and John Deere
Way out here, way out here

Our houses are protected by the good Lord and a gun
And you might meet 'em both if you show up here not welcome son

I read a pamphlet last night from the hospice that's taking care of him. They go through the phases of death that a person goes through. As of right now he's in the "Hours Until" category. Or at least he was last night. 

How come it's harder to wait for death than it is to just find out? You know it's coming and it's coming fast, but you can't do anything except sit there and watch as it gets closer. I hate waiting, and yet, I don't want it to get here. My mind is numb in a sense that if I chose, I could sit in one spot all day and just be dazed out and unresponsive to anyone who walks along. 

From seeing all this I've noticed the changes. The mood's changed, the skin, the voice, the breathing, everything. He's in his own mind thinking about a lot of things. He doesn't notice anyone around him or anything for that matter. He just wants to sit in his chair and with his eyes closed and think. I wonder what he's thinking about though. What does a dying person go through in their mind as they wait for it to come. 

At least I'm not there. I don't have to sleep in the chair next to him hoping I don't wake up to find him gone. But Cody does. I'd rather switch places but Cody wouldn't want that. He's hurting the most. He hasn't left his side since he's been home. Cody's never been through a death like this before. I hate it. 

I have to be the strong one. I'm not allowed to cry in front of Stephanie or Cody. It's tough because I want to scream and thrash about and question everything that's happening. Everything's changing and I hate it. I'm losing more than a part of my heart. I'm losing my childhood right in front of me. When he goes, it'll all go with him. 

I know what's going to happen. I've accepted what's to come, but I'm still scared. I'm terrified. It got worse when I told him goodbye, possibly for the last time, and realized he was looking at me but not seeing me. He's pulled himself away from everyone and thinking about is life. Soon he might get a surge of energy and talk for a while, then he'll go to sleep and not wake up. I know how it's going to end. Gasping for breath like a fish out of water, then peace. He won't know what's going on. He'll be gone by then, but his body will keep ticking till the end. That's what the hospice pamphlet said. 

Or maybe that won't happen. Who knows if the damn pamphlet is right. He's too stubborn to go through any of that shit, yet he's been ready for years now. He's accepted his fate, said his goodbyes and i love yous. It's up to us to keep our promise to be strong.

I don't want tomorrow to come. It scares me. I hate it. But it's there and I'm getting hit head on. 

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!”
“Gone where?”
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!” There are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: “Here she comes!”
And that is dying.
~Henry Van Dyke

Don't Like the Movie, Just the Music

I know I've been on hiatus for a long while. Family troubles, mainly. But, last night I went to my dear friend's house. When I usually go over, there's lots of people, drinking, laughing and music. Her name is Shannon. So of course I have to introduce her to you.

This is my Shan Shan. Hehehe.

She is a beautiful, smart, loving girl that I have come to love over the couple of years I've known her. She makes me laugh like I haven't a care in the world. Her voice is angelic when she sings, but loud enough to be heard in a crowd. She'll tell you like it is and have your back all the way. Goddess I LOVE this girl!!! Lol. 

Anyway, I digress.

Shannon is a juke box. She has TONS of music that we listen to when I come over. Recently she let me listen to a song from the "Eclipse" soundtrack. I will put this on the table now. I HATE Twilight with a passion of a thousand burning suns. No offense to the little girls or soccer moms who need it to breathe, but trust me when I say that I am an expert on vampire. Of course I have no credentials, but my family and friends can vouch for me on this one. It's kinda like religion: If you like it, that's wonderful, but don't shove it down my throat like a undersized penis. KTHXBAI! 

Anyway, Shannon likes Twilight so she has to check out the soundtrack. She pulled up a song by Florence and the Machine. At first I thought the beat was good and the chorus got me. The second time I heard it last night I decided I would look it up and by gods, I loved it! 

So I checked out her other stuff. I admit I'm not liking some of the things, but I noticed she's got some songs with a morbid twist and supernatural themes. She's like Tori Amos had a love child with Johnette Napolitano.

I highly recommend her songs "Howl" and "My Boy Builds Coffins".

And thanks to Shannon for letting me listen to it because now I have SO MUCH inspiration for my photography now. It sucks she's not going to be able to hang out for a while because of work or I would have her model for me. Maybe in the future, but I'm going to brainstorm with Amber too. 

That's it for me today. I've got some work to do. I'm reading a new book called Wild and Weedy Apothecary by Doreen Shababy. So far I'm loving it and trying out her concoction recipes for salves and oils and whatnots. I love being a kitchen witch. So if you're sick, just call me. I got some old gramma medicine for you. Hahaha. 

~Blessed Be )O(

Imbolc

Hello again. In this post I'm going to teach you about Imbolc. The next Sabbat that is coming up in the Wheel of the Year. ( I will explain this at a later date.)

But before I do that let me update you on what's been going on:
Papa came home Friday. He's doing much better but he has to have oxygen on and going all the time. They put a nice little hospital bed and tv in his room, but he's not going to go in there because he likes to sleep on his chair. :P
Cody got a home pass this weekend and he finally got to see Papa after the heart attack. Tristan and Summer came over to visit and we had a wonderful time together.

BACK TO BUSINESS!!!

 Imbolc 

This is called Brighid's Cross.

On February 2nd we celebrate Imbolc (pronounce im-bowlk). It is also called Oimealg (IM-mol'g). It is derived from the Gaelic word "oimelc" which means "ewe's milk". This is the time of the year where animals are giving birth in the new year. It is a time to consecrate or bless any agricultural tools you may have. I believe it's an excellent Sabbat for Hedge Witches. Also on this Sabbat, the God child is growing in strength and size. 

The related holiday to Imbolc is Valentine's Day. Let me help you make a connection: the Druids would make Straw Brideo'gas (corn dollies) from oats or wheat and they are placed in baskets with white flowers. Small girls would go from home to home and bestow gifts for the Brideo'gas. They would take hikes through the snow to find signs of Spring. Can you see the relation? It's love and renewal and consecration and dedication. If you buy your love something for V-Day you are showing you are dedicated to that relationship. Going out on a romantic dinner or a movie brings a renewal to yourselves.

Here are some symbols for Imbolc: Pink and Pale Green, Candle Wheels, Evergreens, Willow, Grain Dolly. 

We celebrate by having a bonfire and consecrating our tools. Dedication rituals are a great idea during this time.

A fellow pagan of mine posted something in a group on face book and gave me permission to post it on here. His name is Steffan Gilbert. He lives here in Tennessee and is an award winning author and musician. A talented soul and extremely intelligent. 

Imbolc Lore

(February 2nd)

Imbolc, (pronounced "IM-bulk" or "EM-bowlk"), also called Oimealg,

("IM-mol'g), by the Druids, is the festival of the lactating sheep. It is derived

from the Gaelic word "oimelc" which means "ewes milk". Herd animals have

either given birth to the first offspring of the year or their wombs are

swollen and the milk of life is flowing into their teats and udders. It is the

time of Blessing of the seeds and consecration of agricultural tools. It

marks the center point of the dark half of the year. It is the festival of

the Maiden, for from this day to March 21st, it is her season to prepare for

growth and renewal. Brighid's snake emerges from the womb of the Earth

Mother to test the weather, (the origin of Ground Hog Day), and in many places

the first Crocus flowers began to spring forth from the frozen earth.

The Maiden is honored, as the Bride, on this Sabbat. Straw Brideo'gas

(corn dollies) are created from oat or wheat straw and placed in baskets with

white flower bedding. Young girls then carry the Brideo'gas door to door, and

gifts are bestowed upon the image from each household. Afterwards at the

traditional feast, the older women make special acorn wands for the dollies

to hold, and in the morning the ashes in the hearth are examined to see if

the magic wands left marks as a good omen. Brighid's Crosses are fashioned

from wheat stalks and exchanged as symbols of protection and prosperity in

the coming year. Home hearth fires are put out and re-lit, and a besom is

place by the front door to symbolize sweeping out the old and welcoming the

new. Candles are lit and placed in each room of the house to honor the

re-birth of the Sun.

Another traditional symbol of Imbolc is the plough. In some areas, this is

the first day of ploughing in preparation of the first planting of crops. A

decorated plough is dragged from door to door, with costumed children

following asking for food, drinks, or money. Should they be refused, the

household is paid back by having its front garden ploughed up. In other areas,

the plough is decorated and then Whiskey, the "water of life" is poured over

it. Pieces of cheese and bread are left by the plough and in the newly

turned furrows as offerings to the nature spirits. It is considered taboo to

cut or pick plants during this time.

Various other names for this Greater Sabbat are Imbolgc Brigantia

(Caledonni), Imbolic (Celtic), Disting (Teutonic, Feb 14th), Lupercus (Strega), St.

Bridget's Day (Christian), Candlemas, Candlelaria (Mexican), the Snowdrop

Festival. The Festival of Lights, or the Feast of the Virgin. All Virgin

and Maiden Goddesses are honored at this time.

Deities of Imbolc:

All Virgin/Maiden Goddesses, Brighid, Aradia, Athena, Inanna, Gaia, and

Februa, and Gods of Love and Fertility, Aengus Og, Eros, and Februus.

Symbolism of Imbolc:

Purity, Growth and Re-Newal, The Re-Union of the Goddess and the God,

Fertility, and dispensing of the old and making way for the new.

Symbols of Imbolc:

Brideo'gas, Besoms, White Flowers, Candle Wheels, Brighid's Crosses,

Priapic Wands (acorn-tipped) , and Ploughs.

Herbs of Imbolc:

Angelica, Basil, Bay Laurel, Blackberry, Celandine, Coltsfoot, Heather,

Iris, Myrrh, Tansy, Violets, and all white or yellow flowers.

Foods of Imbolc:

Pumpkin seeds, Sunflower seeds, Poppyseed Cakes, muffins, scones, and

breads, all dairy products, Peppers, Onions, Garlic, Raisins, Spiced Wines and

Herbal Teas.

Incense of Imbolc:

Basil, Bay, Wisteria, Cinnamon, Violet, Vanilla, Myrrh.

Colors of Imbolc:

White, Pink, Red, Yellow, lt. Green, Brown.

Stones of Imbolc:

Amethyst, Bloodstone, Garnet, Ruby, Onyx, Turquoise.

Activities of Imbolc:

Candle Lighting, Stone Gatherings, Snow Hiking and Searching for Signs of

Spring, Making of Brideo'gas and Bride's Beds, Making Priapic Wands,

Decorating Ploughs, Feasting, and Bon Fires maybe lit.

---Adapted by Akasha Ap Emrys for all her friends and those of like mind

Copyright © 1997-99 Akasha, Herne and The Celtic Connection www.wicca.com.

All rights reserved

#avg_ls_inline_popup{position: absolute;z-index: 9999;padding: 0px 0px;margin-left: 0px;margin-top: 0px;overflow: hidden;word-wrap: break-word;color: black;font-size: 10px;text-align: left;line-height: 130%;}

Well that is all I have time for right now. Very busy today. I will post some Circle Casting for Imbolc next go 'round. 

~Blessed Be )O(

22

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 22. Strangely, I don't feel any different. Usually on my birthday I get a weird and excited feeling. Also, my birthdays don't go very well. I end up crying at some time or another, but not this year. I guess it was because I wasn't looking forward to it. Maybe I was dreading what was going to happen.

Last year Amber, Jesse, and Diane went with me to Cookeville to get me an industrial piercing. I've wanted one for a while so I thought why not now. So Roustabout Tattoo on Willow was still open so we waddled in only to find that Seven (the piercing guy) went home sick that day. They were also going to charge me forty bucks for the damn thing. Um, I call Bullshit on that one. I'm not gonna fork out forty damn bucks for a piercing above the waist. Fuck them.

Where does that look like $40?

So we went and I bought The Lonely Island cd and we went to eat at Steak N' Shake. I was glad I was with my friends, though I was really bummed I didn't get what I wanted. AND I WAS GONNA PAY FOR IT!!!

The year before that, I got so fucking sick. I mean deathly. I should have stayed home but I went to a cash office that I stayed at with my friends Lora and Sylveey (not her real name. she asked me not to call her by her real name due to certain issues with right wing christians. i don't blame her) They comforted me and we talked most of the day. Luckily, my Uncle Wayne was in town. He's my dad's youngest brother and I think the coolest uncle that I have. He worked as a carnie for the longest time. Has tats and piercings and loves me unconditionally. 

He was visiting from Wisconsin for a while and it just so happened it was around my birthday. He stopped by with my sister to wish me a happy birthday. Steph got me a few things which meant a lot to me. Bless her. Later that day I went home and laid in bed and waited for Jesse to get off work. Uncle Wayne came over to keep me company and played video games while I was passed out on the couch. I remember vaguely that Stephanie showed up and sat on the couch to check up on me. Then I think Jesse brought over some pie and we ate it, but I couldn't taste it since my sinuses were swollen. And I remember crying because I wasn't a teenager anymore. 

I think the last great birthday I had was when I was ten. Before that, Mom would have a little party set up and waiting for me to get off the bus. One year, I had tacos. Another year, my cousin and I shared a birthday party at the skating rink since his birthday was on the sixth. I believe that birthdays got worse when my gramma died. After that. they weren't so great. 

On my sixteenth birthday I didn't get much but a week later I had a party at the Civic Center here in Sparta. Mom paid to have it for a day and set everything up. I had music, cake, a wine bottle and glasses from Bram Stoker's Dracula and a renaissance theme. I invited forty people. Ten showed up. Amber of course was there and so was her sister. Jesse and Brak came. But that was all that showed up from my invitation list. Mom had a couple of friends there: Audrey the lesbian who actually looked like a dude and took care of me like I was her own daughter, and Tristan, a young and sweet girl who idolized mom. The reason no one showed up: it fucking snowed! Stephanie invited people I didn't even know and made out with them in the corner. (We weren't on good terms then.) 

BUT that was the night I got my first kiss from Jesse.....in the snow. I loved it!

We were so goofy looking. lol

This year I laid around the house and worked. Good ol' Wally World gave me three days off before and two days off after my birthday. How lovely of them.....assholes! But me and Jess went to Papa's. Steph made me a cake and demanded I come over. The snow wasn't too bad and the roads were somewhat clear. Her, Michael, Jasmine (not worth mentioning forthwith) and Ryan were there to celebrate with me. 

Fuckin awesome cake!!!

It was the best cake ever! Four layers each a different color and blue and pink icing. Big 22 written on the sides and Happy Birthday Casey in purple icing on the top. It tasted pretty damn good too. I gave Lydia some icing and it turned her face blue. She like it though. We hung out and talked. Ryan shared his story of going to the psychic in Cookeville and proving them to be frauds......and outrageous on their prices. I don't blame him for calling them insane. I could do better.....which I did. haha. 

Anyway, it's late and I'm going to watch a movie with Mike, Michelle and Jesse. 

I hope everyone has good birthdays and memorable ones.

~Blessed Be )O(

I'm Really Starting to Hate 2011

I guess it's true that things happen in threes. I don't know what will happen in the near future but I know I received some more bad news. This time from my family in the south.

You guys know I live in Tennessee. I wasn't born here. I'm originally from Marietta, Ga. My mom's family are Volunteers and my dad's family are Peaches. (I pray you get the joke.) Anywho, I will admit that I believe the Patats are freaking insane, but I love them. I think that over the years the trauma of my grandma losing both her parents and learning that my mentally disabled aunt isn't doing too well, has had quite an affect on her.

Today, he older brother passed away from cancer. My Great Uncle Wayne lived in Douglasville, Ga and had a wife named Beulah (I love that name). I didn't know him as well as I liked but did visit him when I was down there. I'm really upset over it and I just wish I could go to Georgia and be with my family. RIP Uncle Wayne.

Uncle Wayne with his baby sister Jenny

 Unfortunately, I have problems here at home. Yesterday was mine and Jesse's six year anniversary. Six long years with the best man in the world. We celebrated by going to my dad's where he made me a birthday cake. We then went to Logan's Roadhouse. I went last year for my birthday and I thought Jesse would like it. Turns out, he loved it. Books A Million was our next stop and we spent two hours looking through the books. I'm telling you, if there is a heaven, it's BAM!

Finally, we went to watch Season of the Witch. To be completely honest, I was disappointed. If you haven't seen the movie, wait till DVD. I loved Ron Perlman in it along with Nicolas Cage. I swear he needs to do more period pieces; he's very good at it.

So we got home before the snow hit. I was on the computer and Jesse was watching tv when Stephanie called. Papa was in the hospital. Now let me tell you about my Papa.

His name is Reed Demps. He grew up through the Great Depression, WWII, the Beatles and all our economic crises. He lived as a tobacco farmer and raised four kids who raised kids of their own. Widowed in 2001 he is still kickin and misses Meme everyday. Stephanie and Michael are living there with him and taking care of Lydia. As soon as Lydee was in his life it was like he got a new boost of energy and stopped talking about being depressed and waiting to die. She was his new light. Every morning she sits in her crib and watches him make the same breakfast he's made for over sixty years.

Last night he was watching television with Stephanie while Michael went to town. He told her to call Uncle Steve (his oldest son) to come get him. Uncle Steve being too far away called a neighbor who happens to be a retired paramedic. After checking Papa, he asked what they wanted to do. Papa said to call an ambulance. Now listen, this man HATES the doctor. He hates hospitals and would rather sit around and drink whiskey to help his ailments. So when I heard he wanted an ambulance, I knew he was hurting.

Jesse took me to the hospital where Mom and Uncle Steve were waiting. They said he had a heart attack and were keeping him overnight. He's still in ICU as I write this. They'll move him to a room tomorrow and hopefully he'll go home Thursday. For my birthday, Amber and I are going to cleanse his house with sage before he comes home. I think it will do some good for him.

If anyone reads this, please light a candle for him.

~Blessed Be )O(

HAPPYNEWYEAohwhatever

I know I haven't posted in a while. Yet again, certain circumstances have kept me from my computer and my muse was on vacation. I hope everyone had a good night ringing in the new year, except for those in Beebe, Arkansas. It's sad really that all those birds had to die. Especially the red winged black bird. They are very beautiful creatures.

So pwetty.

So before the stroke of midnight in Beebe, there were loud explosions in the sky and shortly after, over 3,000 birds fell from the sky. To be honest, most of them were the red winged blackbirds. From the news footage I watched I saw female cardinals and wrens. Residents said that they were flying about roof level instead of tree level. Mostly trying to avoid whatever it was exploding in the sky. The next morning, the roads and yards and houses were covered in dead birds. 

Like this....only more Alfred Hitchcocky.

Not only did birds die, but a stunning amount of drum fish perished in the Arkansas river. Scientists say they don't know the cause because it only affected this one species. I spose they're still looking into it. 

I've always hated anchovies.

On another topic, I had a good New Year's celebration this year. The whole gang got together at Brak's house and we had margaritas while watching Ryan, Jesse, and Brak play Risk on the Xbox. Yeah.....great time. *rolls eyes* Anyway, I was still congested and sounding like a megaphone in a tin can. I settled downstairs in a lazy boy and watched New Kids On The Block and Backstreet Boys perform together on Dick Clark's New Year's Eve thingy. I admit I was excited. Though I was an *NSYNC girl growing up, BB and NKOTB were there too. Haha. 

My old Teen Dream come True!!

After dragging the guys downstairs, we welcomed the New Year with our resolutions. We didn't take it that seriously, but we all knew that we wanted to stay together for as long as we could. Funny how all of us said "friendship" every time. I personally have my own resolutions:

~Be more consistent in my routines.

~Accept change as it comes.

~Work on my self esteem and views of myself.

~Become more attune to my faith and the earth.

~Banish all negativity in me and around me.

~Love like I have never loved before.

~Work on my photography, writing and art.

~Keep my friends close.

I know it may be a lot to promise myself, but I'm a Capricorn and very studious, so I think I can do this. 

On an unfortunate sad note, I would like to share what happened New Year's Day. 

I hopped on the computer that morning to check my usual sites and found on DeviantArt that Amber had posted a journal. Our friend had passed away in his sleep during the night. We still don't really know what happened and were too afraid to ask, in fear of being rude. 

Beau Jeffrey Deweese

Feb.22, 1989 - Jan.1, 2011

He was a beautiful soul. Soft spoken, handsome, funny, and easy to get along with.

He loved the Dave Matthew's Band and the Beatles. 

He played guitar with a passion only matched by legends.

We will miss you Beau.

He left behind a younger brother, mother, and father along with his beautiful girlfriend. There weren't a lot of people from school at the wake. Mostly older people who were chatting amongst themselves. I went there with Amber to be emotional support. She knew him better than me. The only time I hung out with him was at Books A Million a couple of years ago, but it felt like I knew him better afterwards. We talked for like four hours that day, about everything. It breaks my heart knowing I won't get that chance again. 

The Beatles played softly in the air as Amber and I watched people come and go while we were waiting for the small area to clear. Our friend TJ and his brother Boo showed up. TJ was Beau's best friend in school and it hurts to see someone lose something like that. When Amber and TJ were finally ready to move forward, Boo and I escorted them to the casket. Beau's mother stayed by his side the whole time and even spoke to us when we got up there. I can only imagine what she felt as she straightened Beau's shirt and tie, held his hand and stroked his face as he lay beautifully in his final resting place. His guitar sat beside his casket and a pick lay on his chest. Pictures were everywhere of happier times to remind us of how wonderful he was. And they were all true. 

The energies were chaotic, I admit, and made me go crazy, but when we entered the small room where he was, it seemed calm yet bitter. I could taste agony on my tongue and it hurt not to cry. Amber kept her cool as she stared at her Bobo. I don't know what she was feeling, but I knew she was hurting. I hate funerals, and this was no different. I'm glad I got to see Beau one last time before we parted ways, but I'm happier that Amber and TJ got to say goodbye. 

Amber and I went outside. I needed a cigarette and she needed to cry. I don't know if it was because she didn't want to be seen doing it or if she wanted to be strong around Beau and his family. Either way, I'm sure he knows and hates so see friends cry. I cried with her though. I hate losing friends and I hate seeing them cry and hurt. I held Amber and tried my best to comfort her until she stopped and lit a cigarette. TJ and Boo joined us shortly after and we talked for a bit and said goodbye. 

I just pray that they both find some comfort in knowing that Beau is in a good place. I won't say better; sometimes nothing is better than what you have here on earth.  

Now I have to stop. My keyboard is getting soaked in tears. Just remember that you should live as long as you can and cherish those who love you, for no one will love you more than the ones who make your life easier to live. 

~Blessed Be )O(